Monday, 3 November 2008

Screaming slippery bald beaver, anyone?

First, let me lay my cards on the table. I’m not much of a one for cocktails. I think it’s a generational thing. I’m of an age where an evening out is more likely to involve the consumption of some kind of beer. It is my children’s generation who seem to want to imbibe this litany of sticky (an usually overpriced) cocktails that just about every pub pushes these days. On reaching drinking age (when, incidentally, I was still in full-time education), I would have been no more likely to order a cocktail in a pub than…well…ask for a half pint of beer. There was one chap I vaguely knew who had a penchant for pink gin, but he was pretty much out on a limb. Beer by the pint was part of the rite of passage from boyhood to manhood; a bit like splashing on Brut 33.

I suppose the closest I get to cocktails now are gin and tonic and the odd Bloody Mary, so I was only vaguely interested when I stumbled across This website allows you to search for cocktails by ingredients, albeit it seems to be broken at the moment. It will not, perhaps, surprise you that I wasn’t bothered to find out how many bourbon-based drinks there were; no. I was far more interested in cocktails with, shall we say, unusual ingredients.

Here are just a few you may wish to try. The names are a bonus, but please excuse their rudeness:

Burning Demon Piss - Tequila, Peach liqueur, Rum (dark and white), Tia Maria, coffee, hot pepper sauce.

Hate - Gin, rum, Bourbon whiskey, vodka, tequila, peppermint liqueur, dry vermouth, irish cream, Tabasco sauce.

Flaming Anus - Sambuca, high proof rum, curacao, coffee, brandy, grape juice, Tabasco.

Mud and Blood - Carrot juice, beef bouillon (ie stock), orange juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire sauce, pepper vodka.

Camel Piss - Lager, tequila, dark rum, ouzo, fizzy lemon.

T-Bone - High proof rum, A1 steak sauce.

Oh, and the aforementioned beaver drink? Vodka, butterscotch schnapps, Bailey's, and a mixture of kiwi and strawberry juice. What it has in common with a nocturnal, semi-aquatic rodent I have absolutely no idea.

Way back in 1976 I read a book called Beer and Skittles. It was written by the late Richard Boston, and I recall that, in one chapter, he described some of the nastier beer-based cocktails he had encountered, the worst in my opinion being Guinness and Advocaat. He also mentioned a pub landlord who, after hours, would sit down with his cronies to concoct the worst drink possible. And the winner? Gin and the juice from a jar of cockles.

I think I’ll stick to my pint of bitter.


Diane said...

A few years ago I met up with a friend (with whom I'd made first contact on the Internet) in London. We went to a pub and he asked what I wanted. I said a pint of Carling. When he came back to the table with our drinks, he said, "Whew, I was afraid you were one of those girls who ordered half-pints." I'm sure I looked puzzled when I replied, "Do they actually SELL half-pints?" Who knew? Not me ;).

chris hale said...

Hi Diane, and welcome to my blog!

There are some strange taboos associated with drinking, aren't there? Especially the idea that for a woman to drink from a pint glass is somehow 'unfeminine'.

In America (according to No.1 daughter's conversations with US citizens in cyberspace), men are unhappy at the thought of drinking cider. Apparently it's seen as a 'girly' drink. Tell that to The Wurzels!

chris hale said...

Ah, and having noted that you yourself are from the US, you probably haven't the faintest idea who The Wurzels are! This should help:

Anonymous said...

Brut 33 - please tell me Brussels has legislated against that icon of bad taste.

chris hale said...

EU Directive 01/Z/23852-UKPS/W/07 has declared the substance to be 'A Weapon of Mass Uncoolness'. Those EU Commissioners - what are they like?

I suppose we'll have to go for Hai Karate or Old Spice - 'The mark of a man' - instead.

Stevyn Colgan said...

Brilliant! Make mine a Languid Echo of Woody Cheese.

I made that up.

chris hale said...

Woody cheese, eh? Now there's a gap in the market!