'Ee beunt from round 'ere, be'ee?

Photo copyright University of Reading

Sorry. The above phrase was the closest I could get to a kind of all-purpose Mummerset. Not sure where this is going? Well...

The Sunday papers plopped onto the mat a little earlier with the usual crop of inserts. There was an ad for laser eye surgery, a loan offer from one of the building societies that hasn't yet gone into meltdown, a brochure promising discounted kitchens, and a glossy little mag from Furniture Village.

Furniture Village, in common with DFS, always seems to have a sale on. Today, most stuff is up to fifty percent off, there's a zero percent finance deal, and hey, you can have it before Christmas if you order now! How is it that they can sell this stuff so cheaply? Could it be (dare I say it) that the discount price is a fairer reflection of the actual value? Quite clearly you'd have to be mad to pay full price for anything at The Village; there's probably one day a year when everything reverts to full cost, and an opportunity for H.M.Bateman (were he still alive) to produce a cartoon of The man who paid full price at Furniture Village. Take a look at Bateman's work here.

Yes, you'd have to be mad to pay full price. But have you noticed how these home stores actually admit to having lost their minds at sale time? "We've gone mad at CarpetRight!" they exclaim. "Crazy prices!" says another whose name I can't readily remember. So why don't Furniture Village go the whole hog? I'd like to see a fully-fledged Furniture Village Idiot in every store, smock-frocked, stinking of cider and equipped with a bladder on a stick, lolling on the Sealy divans or Montserrat sofas, and springing upon any customer unwise enough to linger in the aisles. "Ee beunt from round 'ere, be'ee?" He would drawl, tugging on their sleeves whilst explaining the benefits of a vi-spring bed or the latest interest free deal. At the end of the encounter he would pluck some ludicrous and unbeatable price out of the air and propel the customer towards a less insane member of staff to formalise the deal.

I'm at a loose end at the moment, what with being retired. I think I'll pop down to Furniture Village. I've got a proposition for them.